have you ever felt so frustrated that the words refused to come out because they were afraid to? i'm going to just write and write until i feel better.


i'm upset. i feel that i've failed myself in my property final. i don't know what my grade is going to be, but i know that i missed a question that i had right in the first place, and that really just pisses me off. why didn't i study that? who doesn't know the difference between a license and an easement? why did i second guess myself and put easement? i'm a dumbass. one side of me says, "it's one question out of 71. you did five essays. calm down". but this is a competition, and i had the question right. i know i didn't study as hard as i could have over the weekend. i know that i feel like sh*t right now. especially when people come out of the exam like, 'oh, i feel good. that was good'. everyone tells you not to listen to people, but i just can't help it. ugh. that's why im up at 5am trying not to cry, because i feel like a failure.

i'm a perfectionist. sue me. haha. not funny.

i don't understand how people are so good at ignoring people when i'm not. maybe i'm just a social person who has always been a bit of an outcast that likes when people befriend her. i think that's it. i just find it perplexing that people always like to shut me out when all i want to do is be their friend. am i too aggressive? what's wrong with me that people seem to ignore me? maybe i'm looking at things the wrong way and that's been my problem all of these years. it just seems like i'm always on the outside looking in. even my best friends don't return my phone calls. it seems like everyone is doing their own thing and people just call me when it's convenient for them or they want something. i'm so tired of that! i want to be able to not answer the phone or respond to a text. maybe i just want someone who cares as much as people and their friends as i do. a part of me thinks, "why are you complaining? you have a great life. you're in law school, and you don't have any friends. who needs friends?" well, you never know how people are feeling on the inside so i guess i'm probably not the only one who feels this way. it's a horrible way to feel, unloved. my mommy loves me though :-) she's pretty much my only friend right now.

i'm not saying i don't have friends. i just don't have any friends in chicago. and i'm from here, and it's sad. i tried to make friends at school, but the people there are kinda weird, and it just seems like i don't fit into any "groups" neatly. it's not that i don't get along with anyone there, everyone's pretty friendly and i can have a conversation with someone just fine, i just don't fit into any "groups" or "cliques". i never have. i guess that's the price you pay for the beauty of being different. sigh.

i'm going to learn the art of hiding. not answering the phone. not texting, not being social. it's weird. i want friends, but i dont want to be social. i think its because i'm tired of trying to be social and feeling like everyone wants to be social with everyone but me. so dammit, i'm going to retreat. i always say that, but it never happens. maybe i put myself in a position to be used. i don't know. i'm just tired of it and hurt by it and if someone else is doing it or if i'm doing it to myself, i want it to stop. i really really really just want it to stop. i hate it.


i have the solution.

i'm throwing my phone away.